Suburban Toilet Turmoil
A method of defense or force to be reckoned with? You decide.
by Kelsey Kushner
Published August 1, 2011
SOUTH CAROLINA- In the early morning hours of July 30th, a local man made a grisly discovery in the bathroom of a South Carolina residence. Mark Bryan, a self proclaimed “Golden Girl”, was just waking from a long night of sexual frustration and general debauchery when he stumbled upon what could only be described as “the decimation and destruction of a perfectly good toilet”, leading to “a very awkward situation”.
On a day like any other, Mark awoke from a drunken stupor to lazily make his way to the nearest bathroom. He could not have imagined the creature laying in wait for him just below the plastic lid – a situation that would forever change his young life. As he lifted the toilet lid to pee, he noticed a large beastly object in the toilet. Mark then rubbed his eyes and wiped his glasses in an attempt to clearly identify the toilet intruder.
“Once I realized the object in the toilet was in fact a big fat brown log, I did what any normal man would do - I admired it for its size and girth, and then tried to flush it down,” he said in a statement to local reporters on Sunday. As Mark attempted to push on the small handle to engage the flushing mechanism, he soon came to a horrible conclusion. Clearly he was dealing with a turd that wasn't about to be silenced so quickly. To his dismay, the unbreakable log stubbornly circled and swirled around in the bowl, leaving a brown trail and frothy film, mocking him with each counterclockwise turn. Mark frowned and put his hand to his chin.
“After I flushed a second and third time,” he said wearily, “I began to wonder if this thing would ever go down.” A small tear formed in the corner of his eye as he recited the details of what happened next.
“I thought of the other people in the house, who had become like family to me, and I thought to myself, 'Who would do such a thing?'...I decided that I had to take matters into my own hands.”
Mark feverishly unzipped his pants, wiped his brow, and took a deep breath. He then began to urinate as forcefully as he could at the center of the behemoth in an effort to break it in half. The effort was a success.
“As I was about to flush the toilet again, I looked at the poor broken soul...all I could do was pray that it didn't get stuck on the way down.”
Mark was spared that day. The log had given up and struggled no more – it had fought valiantly. Thankful that he didn't have to retrieve a plunger from his host, Mark proceeded to wash his hands and exit the bathroom. As he walked out, he noticed his companions talking, pointing, laughing, crying, and more or less looking satisfied. This made him feel uneasy to say the least.
“I couldn't imagine that large of an object coming out of one of my friends, let alone one of them going so far as to leave it floating behind in the toilet knowing I'd be in the bathroom next,” he said.
The two females present during the incident are above suspicion, because women do not take shits. Thus far in the investigation, one man, noted to have a very thick Canadian accent and large smiley sun tattoo on his stomach, has kept quiet to himself, while the prime suspect has adamantly insisted that he does not do away games. His fellow friends are dubious of his claim, as they have overheard the man admit that, on occasion, he indulges in “dropping off a meadow muffin” in his private workplace commode. This same man also apparently often posts testicular status updates throughout his day. His only defense - “I'm not afraid to showcase my feces! If this was indeed the work of my anus, I would proudly claim it as my own!”
As tempers flare and accusations fly, the list of possible suspects grows - we may never know exactly what happened on that fateful morning. Was this a crime of passion? A simple lapse in judgment? Or was this a premeditated and well-executed abomination? Whatever the case may be, it left the lives of many unchanged and one young man severely emotionally damaged.
