Going green can save more than underwear....

Behold the invention of the reverse shart.

Let's face it folks, it doesn't get much worse than soiling yourself. Interrupting a perfectly good afternoon with the need of a clean pair of underpants. Whatever the situation, one can only hope that this particular type of accident happens when you are alone. Some people go their whole lives with out sharting, perhaps they resist the urge to gamble. Then one day they are home, sick, laying on the couch and suddenly cough and fart at the same time. But this fart comes with a severe aftermath. You mistake this heat for just another spicy gust of wind that causes warmth between your cheeks. Perhaps you have eaten Mexican/Korean/Indian food recently? Wrong. You have just excreted a small amount of shit my friend. All you can do is hope it wont leave a stain.

Branded with a brown mark of shame, many struggle to find the event humorous. These, often horrified people, resort to all sorts of desperate attempts at scraping and wiping. One man was even reported to have accidentally gotten poop on his fingers as he frantically tried to dispose of the used toilet paper.

This is where the reverse shart comes in handy. Since time machines are not around these days, one must come up with another equally complex idea. Can a man learn suck the spoils of a good meal back into his sphincter reversing there by reversing sharting process? Experts say “yes”. Some men are known to in fact be able to suck air back into their anus, then on the proper cue, fart that air back out. One anonymous source claims to have been a witness to such an event. “My friend Patrick can put his legs back and suck air into his asshole. It makes a sort of puckering sound and then while shaking his legs he farts the air out”

Scientists believe the elusive reverse shart is not far off from being discovered. Dr. Brownstone at the New England Anal Research and Colon Development Center says “ The process of fecal reclamation by anal inhalation, is entirely possible. Everyday we are making great strides in our laboratories. We believe we will have conclusive evidence to support our theory, no longer making reverse sharting a thing of the future, but of a present. Making dirty underwear a thing of the past” To the relief of sharting sufferers world wide, one woman commented “I'll save a lot on cleaning supplies”

Several laundry detergent companies have started slanderous campaigns against this controversial idea. A spokesman from Tidelwave Detergent release a statement to the press “It is not up to us as humans to play God with our undergarments” Adding “ We as a people should accept our fate, accidents happen. And when things go wrong you can always count on quality detergents like Tidelwave with bleach to white even your worst of stains”

Though many victims of this tragic occurrence hail the invention and look forward to someday purchasing their own Rosetta Stone style instructional cd/dvd box set, some still insist “I can't walk on water but I can shart” and “no government agency can take away my right to soiled trousers” Researchers insist that even with this new evidence people will still be able to stain their pants as much as they'd like, this alternative to washing really is just the green way to go.  

Breaking News

  Suburban Toilet Turmoil

A method of defense or force to be reckoned with? You decide.

by Kelsey Kushner

Published August 1, 2011

SOUTH CAROLINA- In the early morning hours of July 30^th, a local man made a grisly discovery in the bathroom of a South Carolina residence. Mark Bryan, a self proclaimed “Golden Girl”, was just waking from a long night of sexual frustration and general debauchery when he stumbled upon what could only be described as “the decimation and destruction of a perfectly good toilet”, leading to “a very awkward situation”.

On a day like any other, Mark awoke from a drunken stupor to lazily make his way to the nearest bathroom. He could not have imagined the creature laying in wait for him just below the plastic lid – a situation that would forever change his young life. As he lifted the toilet lid to pee, he noticed a large beastly object in the toilet. Mark then rubbed his eyes and wiped his glasses in an attempt to clearly identify the toilet intruder.

“Once I realized the object in the toilet was in fact a big fat brown log, I did what any normal man would do - I admired it for its size and girth, and then tried to flush it down,” he said in a statement to local reporters on Sunday. As Mark attempted to push on the small handle to engage the flushing mechanism, he soon came to a horrible conclusion. Clearly he was dealing with a turd that wasn't about to be silenced so quickly. To his dismay, the unbreakable log stubbornly circled and swirled around in the bowl, leaving a brown trail and frothy film, mocking him with each counterclockwise turn. Mark frowned and put his hand to his chin.

“After I flushed a second and third time,” he said wearily, “I began to wonder if this thing would ever go down.” A small tear formed in the corner of his eye as he recited the details of what happened next.

“I thought of the other people in the house, who had become like family to me, and I thought to myself, 'Who would do such a thing?'...I decided that I had to take matters into my own hands.”

Mark feverishly unzipped his pants, wiped his brow, and took a deep breath. He then began to urinate as forcefully as he could at the center of the behemoth in an effort to break it in half. The effort was a success.

“As I was about to flush the toilet again, I looked at the poor broken soul...all I could do was pray that it didn't get stuck on the way down.”

Mark was spared that day. The log had given up and struggled no more – it had fought valiantly. Thankful that he didn't have to retrieve a plunger from his host, Mark proceeded to wash his hands and exit the bathroom. As he walked out, he noticed his companions talking, pointing, laughing, crying, and more or less looking satisfied. This made him feel uneasy to say the least.

“I couldn't imagine that large of an object coming out of one of my friends, let alone one of them going so far as to leave it floating behind in the toilet knowing I'd be in the bathroom next,” he said.

The two females present during the incident are above suspicion, because women do not take shits. Thus far in the investigation, one man, noted to have a very thick Canadian accent and large smiley sun tattoo on his stomach, has kept quiet to himself, while the prime suspect has adamantly insisted that he does not do away games. His fellow friends are dubious of his claim, as they have overheard the man admit that, on occasion, he indulges in “dropping off a meadow muffin” in his private workplace commode. This same man also apparently often posts testicular status updates throughout his day. His only defense - “I'm not afraid to showcase my feces! If this was indeed the work of my anus, I would proudly claim it as my own!”

As tempers flare and accusations fly, the list of possible suspects grows - we may never know exactly what happened on that fateful morning. Was this a crime of passion? A simple lapse in judgment? Or was this a premeditated and well-executed abomination? Whatever the case may be, it left the lives of many unchanged and one young man severely emotionally damaged.

It’s a little graffic and I am pretty tired.......

Now for some random shit I've said or say:

“Chuaz “ -This has many meanings, it's most commonly used instead of “cheers” or "cheese"

And also

“Suaze” (sue-wahh-say) – It's suave channeling Patrick Swayze from,

“Paterico Suaze” Patrick Swayze's latin name.

“Everlasting ass moper.“ -A name I use for people who never stop being stupid.

"Hi Andrew.......(insert heavy breathing) Uhhh come over to my house and we’ll have a birthday party, and by birthday I mean anal and by party I mean sex...."  -A message I left on Andrew's voicemail before I had actually met him in person.

“Farty douche machine” - As in you are being one...

“I'm so hungry I could eat my own ass” - For when you are very very hungry and because I would never eat a horse.

“But he’s really a sweetheart.......when he’s not trying to guilt you into a blow job... “ - On Travis my gay boyfriend. After he messaged me saying I blue balled him and called me a, and I quote, “total fucker”.

"Always, always, always, eat the evidence"

“ I bet he would get mad if somebody questioned it’s "Authenticity”

- Commenting on an old mans mustache.

“And on that note I have lost the urge to poop....thanks Mom”

- After being read the riot act by my mother.

“I've had shoes and glove boxes destroyed by members of the fat footed community"

“He is a pile of trash......and in that pile there are rotten banana skins, moldy vegetables, rotting meat and also some dog poo. “

“I cannot reveal the details, but lets just say....my butt itches terribly“ 

  - On why I called out of work.

“I went to France, I ate snails, I got diarrhea, The End “ 

“Sticky rice,  just like your balls Russ”

 “Tell her to bring me diamond salad, I'll eat it all and shit it into my own mouth”

“Make sure you try to poop before you leave the house” - Always good advice.

“How would you like to hear from a manager that a customer reported seeing you with poop all over your jacket and arm?”- Larry David style pep talk to myself at work. 

“I will destroy that toilet if I can ever manage to get to it. “

"His eyebrows make your ass look fat"

"Well when your vagina smells like an old shoe..... It's time to upgrade to washing with soap"

 – To a coworker with issues, she didn't laugh but I did.

"I am a beachball lovin bozo and I can’t help it. "

"Her vagina is like an inside out cowboy boot"- My take on why an elderly coworker had a bad attitude.

"I was dissapointed because at my old dentist's office the dental assistants would always rest their big fake breasts on my face as they cleaned my teeth. They don't do that here" – When asked by the receptionsit on why I didn't enjoy my visit.

"I just may have to Dan Funk myself later on."- A Dan Funk is a graphic sexual act I made up long ago. 

"It’s a little graphic and I am pretty tired. You know how all that talk about fingers in buttholes gets me crazy so if I start now I wont be able to get to sleep. Or I’ll wake up in a very uncomfortable position again. "

"Well guys my butthole may double as a vagina but I’m not taking it up the ass for anybody tonight!"

“Don't worry, I'm just kidding, I don't really have AIDS.”

"He's just like my grandmother,  a total cocksucker" - This is a spoiler for another blogball to be posted at a later date.

Chuaz for now!

I wished in one hand, Jesus shit in the other.....(April 25, 2007)

So lets try this one more time....

Today I spent my entire day cleaning Andrew’s grandmothers house. She paid me a whopping $48.00. 

Now that I am fucking filthy rich lets see all the douche bags who want something from me, try to be my pal. No anyways, I also worked at her house yesterday doing yard work and something gross happened...no no no, I didn't eat my own shit again (I really learned my lesson the first couple of times that happened)

 I was on my hands and knees pulling weeds,  I picked up a pile of leaves and there was a fucking snake sitting  there a foot away from my face. I didn't scream, I just gasped and tried to jump up, but my legs were asleep from sitting on my knees, so I started to fall forward, face first into the snake. Needless to say I freaked out some more and tried to go backwards and away but somehow ended up jetissoning myself into a stack of bricks, scrapping my hands and arms all over. When I tried to stand up again, my legs gave out and I did a belly flop right  into her plants. All I could do was laugh. Her slave labor just ruined part of her flower bed and is now laying on the ground laughing about it. 

It was funny. I laid there for a few seconds bewildered and bleeding because it just all happened so fast. I then decided to get a really long stick and poke at the snake instead of fixing her plants. It didn't do anything it just sat there, I guess it was impressed by my amazing acrobatics. I wasn't sure if it was even alive so I gently threw some sweet gums balls at it from a safe distance, and it started sticking its tongue out. So it in fact was alive and well. Then I was like, "when it flicks its tongue out like that its not so scary, it kind of reminds me of when Ernie trys to lick the air whenever somebody is eating food near him." But then Andrew's grandma came out shrieking and it uncoiled and started slithering around, I think it knew evil was coming. I'm glad one of us got away.

I don’t wish all snakes to die, I just want them to stay far away from me. Thats not to much to ask is it? I also think I ran one over in the road. Not on purpose, I thought it was a stick  that was moving very fast in strange zigzag motions across the road. Sticks do that you know.....(Andrew says " that's not a snake that's a box, or that's just a jackhammer or that's an old tail light from an accident" , but I know better. They are snakes, they are in the road and they can shape shift)

Peace, Love & Chuaz!

Dear Diary (March 17, 2007)

Dear Diary,

I don’t know why everybody wants to know all about how much I shit. Just because my name is Erin P, and the P stands for Pooper, doesn’t mean that people should keep asking me about my butthole and how it’s doing. I’m glad everybody is concerned because frankly so am I.  I need all of my friends, family, co-workers, customers, strangers on the street, and the teller at my bank to know that I really take a lot of shits. I only pee twice a day no matter how much water I drink. I am just a fuckin giant shit machine. If I didn’t shit every ten minutes I’d explode, and that would be a huge mess becuase not only do I dookie many times, but they are huge. I’m talking GIANT BOMBS OF FECES.

My scrapbooking is getting way out of control. I spend to much money on poloroid film to add pictures of my monster turds to my scrap book. I’ve had to get a second job just to buy film and glue. I really just need a man who has a soft touch, and a large shovel. Prefferably one of those ones that zoo keepers have to pick up elephant poo. Having to shit in public is a terrible thing, I have to sit backwards on the toilet (otherwise known as an A.C Slater) facing the tank so I can hold the handle down on a constant flush. The toilets just fill up way too fast.

Thats why my toilet at home is like this big airplane/J-John so it’s basically a hole with some suction. Have you ever seen the show ’you can’t say that on television?',  well if you have, you know the green stuff that comes down on the people when they say something you aren’t supposed to say? Imagine that, but brown and beef stew’like’(chunks and all).

Well, diary, it’s that time again. I wish I could write more, but my butthole is throbbing so I better go destroy China.

Smooches-
Erin 

Can your wild boogers be tamed? (Oct. 19, 2006)

  I pose a question to my read faithful readers who are in fact reading this right now....have you ever scratched your nose(the inside) or picked it, and to your horror and dismay find a sticky little blob of goooo stuck to your finger or hand? These little bastards are dangerous, esp. if they some how get stuck to your face without your knowledge. What are you supposed to do if you have a booger on your face and you don’t know about it? You can’t possibly check everytime you've got an itch to scratch or the urge to pick your nose. Sometimes there’s not even any gold in the mine when you go to harvest the goods, yet some how this otherwise "invisible" culprit hitches a ride on your finger and crawls up your arm all the way to you face and plants its nasty ass right on your upper lip.

 Obviously you can expect to be accused of eating your boogers, how else do you explain a booger on your upper lip??? Nobody ever heard of a snotty sanchez.....This folks is a serious problem in the world today. Now.....I always use a kleenex when one is available because boogers to kleenex is like spandex to a large mexican woman's thighs on a hot taco day......but.......sometimes when you are driving home late at night, talking on the phone, or just having some sex, a tissue is just not readily avaiable! At least not until you get shot in the face.....I mean.......realistically that's the only time you need one, for sex that is..... well, sometimes you might need a whole towel but I’m getting off track here......

Long story short. I suppose we will have to continue to wipe those bastards off on the bottom of our shoes or continuously roll them around on our pants until they’ve picked up enough lint to break free and fly out the window of our speeding cars..... THE END.

Any thoughts???