It’s a little graffic and I am pretty tired.......

Now for some random shit I've said or say:

“Chuaz “ -This has many meanings, it's most commonly used instead of “cheers” or "cheese"

And also

“Suaze” (sue-wahh-say) – It's suave channeling Patrick Swayze from,

“Paterico Suaze” Patrick Swayze's latin name.

“Everlasting ass moper.“ -A name I use for people who never stop being stupid.

"Hi Andrew.......(insert heavy breathing) Uhhh come over to my house and we’ll have a birthday party, and by birthday I mean anal and by party I mean sex...."  -A message I left on Andrew's voicemail before I had actually met him in person.

“Farty douche machine” - As in you are being one...

“I'm so hungry I could eat my own ass” - For when you are very very hungry and because I would never eat a horse.

“But he’s really a sweetheart.......when he’s not trying to guilt you into a blow job... “ - On Travis my gay boyfriend. After he messaged me saying I blue balled him and called me a, and I quote, “total fucker”.

"Always, always, always, eat the evidence"

“ I bet he would get mad if somebody questioned it’s "Authenticity”

- Commenting on an old mans mustache.

“And on that note I have lost the urge to poop....thanks Mom”

- After being read the riot act by my mother.

“I've had shoes and glove boxes destroyed by members of the fat footed community"

“He is a pile of trash......and in that pile there are rotten banana skins, moldy vegetables, rotting meat and also some dog poo. “

“I cannot reveal the details, but lets just say....my butt itches terribly“ 

  - On why I called out of work.

“I went to France, I ate snails, I got diarrhea, The End “ 

“Sticky rice,  just like your balls Russ”

 “Tell her to bring me diamond salad, I'll eat it all and shit it into my own mouth”

“Make sure you try to poop before you leave the house” - Always good advice.

“How would you like to hear from a manager that a customer reported seeing you with poop all over your jacket and arm?”- Larry David style pep talk to myself at work. 

“I will destroy that toilet if I can ever manage to get to it. “

"His eyebrows make your ass look fat"

"Well when your vagina smells like an old shoe..... It's time to upgrade to washing with soap"

 – To a coworker with issues, she didn't laugh but I did.

"I am a beachball lovin bozo and I can’t help it. "

"Her vagina is like an inside out cowboy boot"- My take on why an elderly coworker had a bad attitude.

"I was dissapointed because at my old dentist's office the dental assistants would always rest their big fake breasts on my face as they cleaned my teeth. They don't do that here" – When asked by the receptionsit on why I didn't enjoy my visit.

"I just may have to Dan Funk myself later on."- A Dan Funk is a graphic sexual act I made up long ago. 

"It’s a little graphic and I am pretty tired. You know how all that talk about fingers in buttholes gets me crazy so if I start now I wont be able to get to sleep. Or I’ll wake up in a very uncomfortable position again. "

"Well guys my butthole may double as a vagina but I’m not taking it up the ass for anybody tonight!"

“Don't worry, I'm just kidding, I don't really have AIDS.”

"He's just like my grandmother,  a total cocksucker" - This is a spoiler for another blogball to be posted at a later date.

Chuaz for now!

I wished in one hand, Jesus shit in the other.....(April 25, 2007)

So lets try this one more time....

Today I spent my entire day cleaning Andrew’s grandmothers house. She paid me a whopping $48.00. 

Now that I am fucking filthy rich lets see all the douche bags who want something from me, try to be my pal. No anyways, I also worked at her house yesterday doing yard work and something gross happened...no no no, I didn't eat my own shit again (I really learned my lesson the first couple of times that happened)

 I was on my hands and knees pulling weeds,  I picked up a pile of leaves and there was a fucking snake sitting  there a foot away from my face. I didn't scream, I just gasped and tried to jump up, but my legs were asleep from sitting on my knees, so I started to fall forward, face first into the snake. Needless to say I freaked out some more and tried to go backwards and away but somehow ended up jetissoning myself into a stack of bricks, scrapping my hands and arms all over. When I tried to stand up again, my legs gave out and I did a belly flop right  into her plants. All I could do was laugh. Her slave labor just ruined part of her flower bed and is now laying on the ground laughing about it. 

It was funny. I laid there for a few seconds bewildered and bleeding because it just all happened so fast. I then decided to get a really long stick and poke at the snake instead of fixing her plants. It didn't do anything it just sat there, I guess it was impressed by my amazing acrobatics. I wasn't sure if it was even alive so I gently threw some sweet gums balls at it from a safe distance, and it started sticking its tongue out. So it in fact was alive and well. Then I was like, "when it flicks its tongue out like that its not so scary, it kind of reminds me of when Ernie trys to lick the air whenever somebody is eating food near him." But then Andrew's grandma came out shrieking and it uncoiled and started slithering around, I think it knew evil was coming. I'm glad one of us got away.

I don’t wish all snakes to die, I just want them to stay far away from me. Thats not to much to ask is it? I also think I ran one over in the road. Not on purpose, I thought it was a stick  that was moving very fast in strange zigzag motions across the road. Sticks do that you know.....(Andrew says " that's not a snake that's a box, or that's just a jackhammer or that's an old tail light from an accident" , but I know better. They are snakes, they are in the road and they can shape shift)

Peace, Love & Chuaz!

Dear Diary (March 17, 2007)

Dear Diary,

I don’t know why everybody wants to know all about how much I shit. Just because my name is Erin P, and the P stands for Pooper, doesn’t mean that people should keep asking me about my butthole and how it’s doing. I’m glad everybody is concerned because frankly so am I.  I need all of my friends, family, co-workers, customers, strangers on the street, and the teller at my bank to know that I really take a lot of shits. I only pee twice a day no matter how much water I drink. I am just a fuckin giant shit machine. If I didn’t shit every ten minutes I’d explode, and that would be a huge mess becuase not only do I dookie many times, but they are huge. I’m talking GIANT BOMBS OF FECES.

My scrapbooking is getting way out of control. I spend to much money on poloroid film to add pictures of my monster turds to my scrap book. I’ve had to get a second job just to buy film and glue. I really just need a man who has a soft touch, and a large shovel. Prefferably one of those ones that zoo keepers have to pick up elephant poo. Having to shit in public is a terrible thing, I have to sit backwards on the toilet (otherwise known as an A.C Slater) facing the tank so I can hold the handle down on a constant flush. The toilets just fill up way too fast.

Thats why my toilet at home is like this big airplane/J-John so it’s basically a hole with some suction. Have you ever seen the show ’you can’t say that on television?',  well if you have, you know the green stuff that comes down on the people when they say something you aren’t supposed to say? Imagine that, but brown and beef stew’like’(chunks and all).

Well, diary, it’s that time again. I wish I could write more, but my butthole is throbbing so I better go destroy China.

Smooches-
Erin 

Can your wild boogers be tamed? (Oct. 19, 2006)

  I pose a question to my read faithful readers who are in fact reading this right now....have you ever scratched your nose(the inside) or picked it, and to your horror and dismay find a sticky little blob of goooo stuck to your finger or hand? These little bastards are dangerous, esp. if they some how get stuck to your face without your knowledge. What are you supposed to do if you have a booger on your face and you don’t know about it? You can’t possibly check everytime you've got an itch to scratch or the urge to pick your nose. Sometimes there’s not even any gold in the mine when you go to harvest the goods, yet some how this otherwise "invisible" culprit hitches a ride on your finger and crawls up your arm all the way to you face and plants its nasty ass right on your upper lip.

 Obviously you can expect to be accused of eating your boogers, how else do you explain a booger on your upper lip??? Nobody ever heard of a snotty sanchez.....This folks is a serious problem in the world today. Now.....I always use a kleenex when one is available because boogers to kleenex is like spandex to a large mexican woman's thighs on a hot taco day......but.......sometimes when you are driving home late at night, talking on the phone, or just having some sex, a tissue is just not readily avaiable! At least not until you get shot in the face.....I mean.......realistically that's the only time you need one, for sex that is..... well, sometimes you might need a whole towel but I’m getting off track here......

Long story short. I suppose we will have to continue to wipe those bastards off on the bottom of our shoes or continuously roll them around on our pants until they’ve picked up enough lint to break free and fly out the window of our speeding cars..... THE END.

Any thoughts???