Behold the invention of the reverse shart.
Let's face it folks, it doesn't get much worse than soiling yourself. Interrupting a perfectly good afternoon with the need of a clean pair of underpants. Whatever the situation, one can only hope that this particular type of accident happens when you are alone. Some people go their whole lives with out sharting, perhaps they resist the urge to gamble. Then one day they are home, sick, laying on the couch and suddenly cough and fart at the same time. But this fart comes with a severe aftermath. You mistake this heat for just another spicy gust of wind that causes warmth between your cheeks. Perhaps you have eaten Mexican/Korean/Indian food recently? Wrong. You have just excreted a small amount of shit my friend. All you can do is hope it wont leave a stain.
Branded with a brown mark of shame, many struggle to find the event humorous. These, often horrified people, resort to all sorts of desperate attempts at scraping and wiping. One man was even reported to have accidentally gotten poop on his fingers as he frantically tried to dispose of the used toilet paper.
This is where the reverse shart comes in handy. Since time machines are not around these days, one must come up with another equally complex idea. Can a man learn suck the spoils of a good meal back into his sphincter reversing there by reversing sharting process? Experts say “yes”. Some men are known to in fact be able to suck air back into their anus, then on the proper cue, fart that air back out. One anonymous source claims to have been a witness to such an event. “My friend Patrick can put his legs back and suck air into his asshole. It makes a sort of puckering sound and then while shaking his legs he farts the air out”
Scientists believe the elusive reverse shart is not far off from being discovered. Dr. Brownstone at the New England Anal Research and Colon Development Center says “ The process of fecal reclamation by anal inhalation, is entirely possible. Everyday we are making great strides in our laboratories. We believe we will have conclusive evidence to support our theory, no longer making reverse sharting a thing of the future, but of a present. Making dirty underwear a thing of the past” To the relief of sharting sufferers world wide, one woman commented “I'll save a lot on cleaning supplies”
Several laundry detergent companies have started slanderous campaigns against this controversial idea. A spokesman from Tidelwave Detergent release a statement to the press “It is not up to us as humans to play God with our undergarments” Adding “ We as a people should accept our fate, accidents happen. And when things go wrong you can always count on quality detergents like Tidelwave with bleach to white even your worst of stains”
Though many victims of this tragic occurrence hail the invention and look forward to someday purchasing their own Rosetta Stone style instructional cd/dvd box set, some still insist “I can't walk on water but I can shart” and “no government agency can take away my right to soiled trousers” Researchers insist that even with this new evidence people will still be able to stain their pants as much as they'd like, this alternative to washing really is just the green way to go.
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